Life. Men. Alcohol. Shoes.

Monday, January 8

I'm sure you can relate...

Recently, Ivy and I found ourselves enjoying ourselves a bit too much as we discussed the never funny topic of eating disorders. Often my friends keep their odd food behaviors to themselves, after all who wants your friend po-poing you, or trying to sabatoage your weight loss strategy scheme. A few diets which our friends, or Ivy and I personally tried to sustain on, include:

  1. Anorexia – Sustain yourself on lettuce and mini boxes of raisins, see how long you last without passing out
  2. Bulimia – It's a great idea at the beginning (Yum, eat the entire plate of cookies) which turns into a whole lot of regret
  3. Laxatives - Desperation and true hatred for one's body
  4. Weight Watchers – Calculated anorexia insanity. How few points (or bowls of that awful pointless soup) can you eat in one day? Brag to friends about sustaining on 16 points/day for a week
  5. Pria or Luna Bars Only – If you can overlook the inevitable constipation, you have lots of tasty options to chose from
  6. All (Insert Anything) diet - Why are these diets always for things like grapefruit,tomato and rice soup, broccoli or plain oatmeal. It would be great to lose weight on an All Spicy Tuna Roll diet or All Macaroni and Cheese diet
  7. Wedding Crash Diet – Always love seeing a wedding photo album where the bride does not look a thing like her true self. Sometimes it is impossible to recognize the overly tan, skeleton in the photo as your 150 pound, translucent-pale friend
  8. Coffee and Cigarettes – Does not do much for your oral health, but you look great in your jeans. Now if you can only get to sleep
  9. Sleeping Pills - If you are sleeping you can't be eating
  10. Heartbreak – True this severe weight-loss could be linked to stress, but I think it has more to do with the realization (and accompanying fear) that in order to ever have sex again, another person is going to see you naked
  11. Stress – Food, who has time when your phone won’t stop ringing
  12. Gymrexia – Obsession with burning off every single calorie eaten during the day, kept in a copious "food diary", plus an additional 150 for good measure. Cause you know those machines don’t accurately report calories burned
  13. Water, Water, Water - Just carrying the Poland Spring bottle burns an extra 100 calories, not to mention all those trips to the bathroom
  14. The Bender - Liquid calories only supported by bi-weekly calls to your delivery service
  15. Lean-Cruise Delirium – Mental mind tricks and creative spice rack combinations to trick yourself into thinking the microwave dinner are in anyway satisfying

Often, one crash diet approach isn't enough, so we start combining our misguided rationales into even healthier combinations. Popular combinations include: 12 and 2, 11 and 4, 9 and 7, the possibilities are endless...

Ah, then to make sure you aren't missing any essential nutrients or causing long-term damage to your body, take a daily multivitamin and calcium pill. Sick, ladies. We'll all sick.


At 6:45 PM, Blogger Clink said...

It's true, we are all sick.

Personally, I have attempted: 1, 4, 11, 12, 13 & 15.

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Wanda said...

I'm not sure heartbreak works... since I've downed many a cheesecakes after my relationship ended. BUT, I'm going to bikram yoga, so hopefully I shall become svelte and toned in short order.

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Ivy said...

Oh my...I think I caught heartressgymrexia.

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, that list really scared me.

I have to say that I am lucky enough to be naturally tall and thin (so maybe I don't have a right to comment) but is it really worth putting yourself through all those awful, awful things just to drop a few pounds?

I've lived in NYC for about eight years so I do know that looks (and weight) are unfortunately important but (even more) so are your health and sanity.

Be careful what you do to your mind and your body- you're not indestructible. My mother had anorexia in college and she really screwed up her reproductive system and her metabolism for life.

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Madame Pinot said...

the wedding crash diet. wow. i know girls who do this and they look like a skeleton on their special day and their pics look terrible.

i tried to maintain my weight before my wedding, not starve myself. i looked like i normally do, but i had on a fancy dress.

it amazes me what the media will portray as the next "in" thing. there are little girls out there who are starving themselves b/c of this.

maintaining is a better option than starving.

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Elle said...

Great post...Am currently on a sad combo of WW, blender and gymrexia I look skinnier yet?!?

OH! And nice insertion of the "multivitamin & calcium supplement." Brings back fond memories of Edelyore :-)

At 4:03 PM, Blogger Lady Latte said...

I've done more of those than I care to admit but the worst is easily the Lean Cuisine Delirium. Every few years I convince myself that this is the way to go. I stock up on the frozen diet meals and then after two days, can't even stand to look at the boxes. They end up sitting in my freezer until I move or realize I'm never going to eat them and throw them out (only to feel guilty for the wasted food and money).

At 6:44 PM, Blogger Crazy Girl City said...

I am currently trying 15. It's fabulous. Haha. I try to convince myself it is as tasty as Chipotle or Ruth's Chris.

At 5:06 PM, Blogger NotCarrie said...

I'm going to start the sushi diet, that's a great idea!


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