Weekend Houseguests

When I'm outside the city, I am compelled to invite everyone I meet to stay at my apartment the next time they are in the city. Not sure why these faux-promises keep tumbling out of my mouth. I need to learn a lesson. Way too many times I have said

"I can't believe you haven't visited me yet. I'd love to have you for the long weekend. Don't get an expensive hotel room stay with me. Of course you can bring your friends."

Even if these houseguests are your best friends and are completely respectable, there is an endless litaney of annoyances. Following are just a couple of my own:

Houseguest Rule #1
When you are out till 5am, don't expect a NYC walking tour at 9:30am, especially if your host promised at any point of the evening's drinking festivities to take you. Trust me - your sleeping friend doesn't want to go to Ellis Island, the Empire State Building, NBC Studios or Times Square. Each of these activites involves standing in long lines or crowded spaces, during which your friend will be inwardly pissed at you for making them get out of bed. If you are so eager to do these things you can't sleep until noon, leave your sleeping friend a note and hop in a cab, check back at 1pm when they've finally woken up.

Houseguest Rule #2
Brunch doesn't start serving alcohol till after noon, don't start asking at 10am what's for breakfast. New Yorker's love to brunch for three reasons: bloody mary's, screwdrivers and mimosas.

Houseguest Rule #3
If you throw up -- clean it up.

Houseguest Rule #4
To that point, if your accompanying friend throws up and is unable to clean it up themselves -- you clean it up for them. Do NOT under any circumstance let the lady of the house lift a finger (short of pointing you in the direction of cleaning supplies and paper towels).

Houseguest Rule #5
Not everything in the fridge is up for grabs, most of us have roommates. Ask before popping open that champange, uncorking that wine, or diving into that Ben & Jerry's.

Houseguest Rule #6
Spoil your host. Pick up the bill for dinner. Buy them at least one drink at every bar you visit. Pay for a cab ride. No matter how many times you treat your host, you will never spend as much as one night in a hotel. The importance of this escalates with the # of evenings you stay over.

Houseguest Rule #7
If you normally take two showers a day, please don't ask for a clean towel each time. Few city folks have the luxury of washers and dryers in their apartment, let alone their building. When we run out of towels, we need to carry them down the 5th floor walkup to the laundromate blocks away. Honestly now, are you THAT dirty!